I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
