if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The air was thick with penises
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Randomize
