Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
