I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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