thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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