i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
