there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
