I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Randomize
