i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i barfeds in our rink
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize