i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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