Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
