i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
They took my balls.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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