i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
