I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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