I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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