Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
