My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
