If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
