You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
