Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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