I didn't shave. On purpose
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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