epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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