Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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