Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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