Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
