someone threw a dead crab at me
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
