i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize