you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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