ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
