we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
