The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
