I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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