Is it normal to miss your booty call?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
