i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
