The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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