Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
