Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
