Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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