she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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