the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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