i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize