I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
