Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
