So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I need water and some morals
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