my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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