i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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