Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
