Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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