My Higher Power is John Stamos
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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