I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
