in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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