i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
