my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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