so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
