she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I don't deserve a penis
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Randomize
