Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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