Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
