happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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