she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
