the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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