I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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