so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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