Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
