One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
