I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
